And so the journey begins...

After a couple of days to think upon what has transpired in my life, I've identified some things that I need to work on. Mainly building self confidence. What is self confidence anyways? Whatever it is, I'd like to have bucketfuls of it, please.

I don't have much of it and I don't think I've ever had a whole lot of it. I guess some of that stems from how I grew up in the environment I grew up in. Now don't get me wrong as I'm not hating on my parents or anything like that. It is what it is.

I've been doing some reading on the Intrawebs on building self-confidence and stumbled upon this fabulous blog article on 25 killer actions to boost your self-confidence from Zenhabits. It's looking at the positives and having a belief in yourself that you can do whatever it is that you want to do.

Quite the attitude shift. Kind of daunting from a gal who had always focused on the negative. Thankfully, self confidence is something that can be learned/grown/cultivated/whatever. Baby steps.

Here's a quote that I came across yesterday that really resonated with me.

I don't want to leave any darkness behind me. I think we should all have a responsibility not to affect people in a negative way.

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**Ultra personal journaling ahead for the next 5000 miles**

I don't even know how to start this...

Eric & I have split up. We've been split up for the past 3 weeks, but we're still living together because it's what works and honestly I can't afford to move out. It's effin complicated.

I've never been one to share with the world my inner dialogue. This along with a constantly waffling between wanting/not wanting to be a mommy and an outrageous addiction to shopping has caused me to hit abso-effing-lutely rock bottom. It has (or will) cost me tons not only in the $$ department but also in the relationship (or lack thereof) department. It all came to a head last night as he couldn't take it anymore. An ultimatum was given, essentially grow-up or GTFO! No where else to go but up, right?

So here I am, stressed out beyond belief, depressed as all get out and rambling on. I need to get this stuff out or I'm just going to shut down permanently. Journaling seemed like the best thing to do as I'm more comfortable writing all this stuff out instead of talking to someone about it. Logging my moods, inner monologue and the long hard road. So, Welcome to my effed up world. Pull up a chair and hold on, it's gonna be an ultra bumpy ride.

There is a plan in motion to pay off my debt, a la Dave Ramsey. Nobody believes that I'll do it. Fine, I get that. If you don't have anything nice/encouraging/supportive to say, then don't please don't say anything at all. I wanted to take care of this before tackling the other stuff but the gauntlet has been thrown down.

As for the ultimatum, I don't know what to do. I know I don't want to be alone. I've hurt Eric horribly, lost his trust, etc. Honestly, he is an amazing guy who stuck it out for 5+ years and in the end, trying to help in all the ways he knew how but couldn't take it anymore because it was killing him emotionally/physically. I really, really effed everything up. Seriously effed everything up. I was incredibly stupid. My parents think I'm incredibly stupid. His mom thinks I'm incredibly stupid.

I am scared shitless.

I've been neglecting my jewelery making & Etsy shop.

I haven't skated or played hockey in 3+ years.



My god, I need a beer. And a double shot of Tequila. Stat.




Eff Mondays.

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Back from the dead! The Jackets are in!!

Back from the dead! Been busy with the roller coaster that is life...good things & bad things. Such is life.

My boys have clinched a spot in the NHL Stanley Cup Play-offs!! After 8.5 years of ups & downs, the Columbus Blue Jackets have finally made it to the post season. And how sweet it is!

Our young captain, Rick Nash, scored the game tying goal last night to take the game against the Chicago Blackhawks into OT. Defenseman Fedor Tyutin scored the lone shootout goal to clinch the win and the play-off spot.

A picture is worth a thousand words...


Woohoo!! Continue reading >>