Monday, April 27, 2009


**Ultra personal journaling ahead for the next 5000 miles**

I don't even know how to start this...

Eric & I have split up. We've been split up for the past 3 weeks, but we're still living together because it's what works and honestly I can't afford to move out. It's effin complicated.

I've never been one to share with the world my inner dialogue. This along with a constantly waffling between wanting/not wanting to be a mommy and an outrageous addiction to shopping has caused me to hit abso-effing-lutely rock bottom. It has (or will) cost me tons not only in the $$ department but also in the relationship (or lack thereof) department. It all came to a head last night as he couldn't take it anymore. An ultimatum was given, essentially grow-up or GTFO! No where else to go but up, right?

So here I am, stressed out beyond belief, depressed as all get out and rambling on. I need to get this stuff out or I'm just going to shut down permanently. Journaling seemed like the best thing to do as I'm more comfortable writing all this stuff out instead of talking to someone about it. Logging my moods, inner monologue and the long hard road. So, Welcome to my effed up world. Pull up a chair and hold on, it's gonna be an ultra bumpy ride.

There is a plan in motion to pay off my debt, a la Dave Ramsey. Nobody believes that I'll do it. Fine, I get that. If you don't have anything nice/encouraging/supportive to say, then don't please don't say anything at all. I wanted to take care of this before tackling the other stuff but the gauntlet has been thrown down.

As for the ultimatum, I don't know what to do. I know I don't want to be alone. I've hurt Eric horribly, lost his trust, etc. Honestly, he is an amazing guy who stuck it out for 5+ years and in the end, trying to help in all the ways he knew how but couldn't take it anymore because it was killing him emotionally/physically. I really, really effed everything up. Seriously effed everything up. I was incredibly stupid. My parents think I'm incredibly stupid. His mom thinks I'm incredibly stupid.

I am scared shitless.

I've been neglecting my jewelery making & Etsy shop.

I haven't skated or played hockey in 3+ years.

My god, I need a beer. And a double shot of Tequila. Stat.

Eff Mondays.

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Angela said...

Goodness! I am sorry. I really don't know what to say.

Dave Ramsey does work because my husband and I got out from under a heap of debt using it.

Being in debt is scary and depressing. You feel ashamed and mad at yourself. What you need to do is prove everyone around you wrong, buckle down, knock that debt out...even if you have to get another job to do it.

Good Luck.

Pam said...